Everyday Experiences of Anti-Fat Bias

Fat people encounter anti-fat bias in many ways. From the moment they step into the world, they are often judged, scrutinized, and offered unsolicited advice about their bodies. This bias can manifest in:

• Difficulty finding clothes that are fashionable, fit well, and have a diversity of style
• Paying more for airfare and other accommodations in public spaces
• Earning less money in the workplace, being hired less often after interviews
• Lack of legal protections against size-based discrimination

Unlike race, gender, or disability, fat people remain targets for cruel jokes in mainstream media, often enduring verbal abuse from family members, coworkers, and even strangers. This constant judgment creates an environment where fat individuals must brace themselves for ridicule or unsolicited health advice wherever they go. 

To learn more about how size intersects with privilege and oppression, check out our article on fat-egories here.

Anti-Fat Bias in Healthcare

Perhaps the most harmful impact of anti-fat bias is found in healthcare settings. Many healthcare providers hold the belief—despite frequent evidence to the contrary—that higher weight automatically correlates with worse health outcomes, and that weight loss will universally lead to better health. This misconception results in fat patients being treated unfairly or inadequately.

Instead of listening to their symptoms and addressing their specific health concerns, fat people are often told to lose weight as the catch-all solution. This can discourage many from seeking medical care in the first place. The fear of being shamed at the doctor’s office leads many to avoid healthcare altogether, resulting in delayed diagnoses and missed screenings for serious health conditions.

Moreover, some fat individuals are outright denied necessary medical treatments until they lose weight—an outcome that is statistically unlikely for most people to achieve long-term without resorting to harmful, disordered behaviours. This denial is often based on provider liability concerns rather than patient well-being, as many doctors lack training in how to care for larger patients. For instance, medical schools rarely offer students the opportunity to practice on bodies with higher BMIs, meaning doctors are often ill-equipped to meet the needs of fat patients.

For more about misconceptions around weight and health, explore our Health at Every Size (HAES) article.

Why Body Positivity Isn’t Enough

While movements like body positivity and self-love have encouraged many to improve their personal relationship with their bodies, these individual changes are not enough to combat the systemic harm caused by anti-fat bias. The issues fat people face are structural, embedded in our healthcare systems, media, workplaces, and daily interactions. Without broader advocacy and policy changes, fat people will continue to be harmed, regardless of how much they love themselves.

Conclusion

Anti-fat bias is more than just uncomfortable interactions or rude comments; it’s a widespread form of discrimination that impacts nearly every facet of life for fat individuals, from healthcare to economic opportunities. While building self-love is valuable, systemic change is necessary to dismantle anti-fat bias and create a more equitable society. Until this happens, fat people will continue to face undue harm, and that is why ongoing advocacy and education are so critical.

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Reclaiming Fat

For many people in larger bodies, “fat” is now a preferred word because it’s neutral, stripped of the  shame or negativity that often comes with other euphemisms. Words like “curvy”, “fluffy”, “chunky”, “husky”, or “plus size” may feel like a way of softening the truth, but they can also mask the reality of being in a larger body. Using “fat” without discomfort or shame helps to normalize the fact that people come in all sizes, and there’s nothing wrong with that. 

However, because “fat” has historically been used as an insult, not everyone is comfortable with the word. It’s important to respect individual preferences by asking people how they identify. Descriptors like “people in larger bodies” or “bodies of size” are also commonly accepted and may be more appropriate in some contexts.

Understanding Anti-Fat Bias

It’s essential to recognize that not all fat people experience the same degree of anti-fat bias. While most people in larger bodies encounter some form of bias—whether it’s dismissive comments or lack of consideration in healthcare—not everyone experiences systemic oppression.

For example, a person who wears a size 16-18 may face criticism from family or medical professionals, but they may not face the systemic challenges that someone much larger does. A much larger bodied individual may face barriers like denial of healthcare treatments, a lack of accessible public spaces, and what’s known as the “fat tax.” This includes having to pay extra for daily necessities such as clothing, furniture, seatbelt extenders, or even additional airplane tickets. These challenges are real and serve as a form of oppression that disproportionately affects those in larger bodies.

*(Read more about anti-fat bias in our dedicated blog post here.)*

The Concept of “Fat-egories”

To better understand and communicate these differing experiences, the fat activism community has adopted the concept of “fat-egories”—terms used to describe a person’s size in a way that reflects both their body and the level of accessibility they experience in the world. These categories are not rigid definitions; rather they serve to capture the subjective experiences of living in a world that isn’t always designed with larger bodies in mind.

Here’s a breakdown of the fat-egories:

– Straightsized: Under size 14

– Smallfat: Sizes 14-18 or XL/1X

– Midfat: Sizes 20-24 or 2X/3X

– Largefat: Sizes 26-32 or 4X/5X

– Superfat: Sizes 34+ or 6X+

By using these terms, individuals can identify where they are positioned on the size spectrum and communicate the unique challenges they face due to their size. This also helps highlight how size intersects with privilege and oppression in different ways.

Conclusion

The language we use to talk about bodies—especially fat bodies—has power. If you are in a larger body, consider what it might be like to use the word fat in a neutral way to describe yourself. For many, it can shift the stance from one of hiding and avoiding to embracing the reality of who you are without shame. 

If you know someone in a larger body, make sure to default to your loved one’s preferences for language. Not everyone is ready for the word “fat”. Likewise, acknowledging the varying degrees of bias and oppression faced by people across the weight spectrum is crucial to creating a more inclusive and supportive world for all bodies. 

Remember, language is a tool. Let’s use it thoughtfully and inclusively to build a society where everyone feels seen, respected, and empowered.

(For more resources on body size and language, check out our other posts on anti-fat bias and the importance of body diversity.)

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Natural Body Diversity

The first principle of HAES is the recognition that natural body diversity exists. Just as people differ in height, eye colour, and other physical traits, we naturally come in various shapes and sizes. There’s nothing inherently unhealthy or pathological about these differences. This principle acknowledges that no one body type is superior to another.

Weight Does Not Equal Health

Contrary to popular belief, weight alone is not an accurate predictor of health. Having a higher BMI or carrying more body fat doesn’t automatically mean a person is unhealthy. Health is far more complex than the number on the scale, and using weight as a primary health measure can be misleading.

Stress and Health Outcomes

It’s important to consider the role stress plays in health outcomes, especially for people in larger bodies. Poor health in these individuals may not stem from their weight itself, but rather from chronic stress they experience due to anti-fat bias. Similar to how racism and sexism negatively impact health, the constant stress of discrimination can harm overall well-being. (For more on this topic, check out our discussion on Anti-Fat Bias.)

Health Without Weight Loss

One of the most liberating ideas in HAES is that health can be pursued without focusing on weight loss. You don’t need to lose weight to live a healthier life. What truly matters is adopting a lifestyle that promotes well-being, such as a balanced diet, joyful movement, adequate sleep and hydration, and managing stress levels. This is accessible to everyone, no matter their size.

Better Ways to Measure Health

There are several biomarkers more accurate than weight when assessing someone’s health. Blood pressure, lab work, energy levels, mobility, and mood are all important indicators of overall health. Focusing on these factors provides a fuller picture of well-being than simply using weight as the primary marker.

Health Factors Beyond Lifestyle

Health isn’t determined solely by lifestyle choices. Genetics, access to healthcare, and social and environmental factors all play significant roles. For example, individuals living in poverty or facing trauma, isolation, or unsafe environments are often more vulnerable to poor health outcomes, regardless of their weight.

The Truth About Long-Term Weight Loss

Finally, research shows that sustained, long-term weight loss is rare, with 95% of people unable to maintain intentional weight loss without engaging in disordered eating behaviours. In fact, many individuals regain weight after dieting, as the body naturally responds to chronic calorie restriction by holding onto fat.

Conclusion

The HAES movement challenges the traditional weight-centric view of health and offers a more compassionate and evidence-based approach. By acknowledging body diversity and focusing on true health markers, HAES encourages us to shift the conversation from weight loss to overall well-being.

For more information on HAES, visit the Association for Size Diversity and Health.

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Understanding People Pleasing and Anxious Attachment

Origins

• People pleasing and anxious attachment often originate from inconsistent attunement in parent-child relationships during childhood.
• Children adapt to their parents’ needs, sacrificing their authenticity, which can lead to unmet emotional needs, shame, and a longing for connection.

Signs of Anxious Attachment

• Anxious attachment manifests as codependency, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, and people-pleasing tendencies.
• Individuals may struggle with setting boundaries, seeking constant validation, and feeling unworthy of love.

Impact on Relationships

• Anxious attachment hinders relationship satisfaction, leading to communication challenges, self-sabotage, and increased arguments.
• Behaviours such as clinginess or neediness may push partners away, reinforcing feelings of abandonment.

Differentiating People Pleasing from Kindness

• People pleasing stems from a fear of rejection and low self-esteem, leading to neglect of one’s needs and difficulties in asserting boundaries, which can result in resentment and burnout.

Understanding People Pleasing: A Deep Dive

• What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is a behaviour where individuals prioritize others’ comfort over their own, often stemming from a deep-rooted fear that prioritizing personal needs will result in being unloved or unworthy. This behaviour can be traced back to childhood experiences in chaotic or conditional environments where individuals coped by minimizing their own needs to maintain peace and seek approval from caregivers. Signs of people pleasing include difficulty in identifying and vocalizing personal needs, an irrational fear of upsetting others, and a struggle with setting boundaries.

• The Impact of People Pleasing

The impact of people pleasing can be detrimental, leading to feelings of resentment, frustration, and hypervigilance in social interactions. Individuals may feel misunderstood, creating superficial relationships based on a persona they believe others want, ultimately abandoning their true selves. This behaviour can also result in anxiety surrounding social interactions, as individuals constantly monitor others’ moods and take on accountability for others’ feelings. Furthermore, extreme resentment can develop in relationships and friendships due to a lack of expressing personal needs, leading to a disconnection from oneself and others.

• Breaking Free from People Pleasing

To break free from people pleasing, individuals need to become aware of its root cause, practice self-compassion, reconnect with their feelings, and prioritize their personal needs. Setting boundaries and challenging the belief that one can control others’ perceptions are essential steps towards forming authentic, healthy relationships and rediscovering one’s self. As individuals begin to look inward, they will start to re-learn themselves, their values, and their needs, feeling more grounded, connected, and confident in themselves and their relationships.

Attunement Activities for Healing

To repair inconsistent attunement from childhood, I recommend practicing attunement activities focus on building connection, empathy, and understanding. These activities can be beneficial for individuals, regardless of attachment style or adverse childhood events, to promote healing and enhance interpersonal relationships. Here are some attunement activities:

• Locate a Safe Place: Safety is a necessary stage for emotional attunement. Ensure you feel safe expressing your emotions to foster genuine connection and understanding.
• Before You Speak, Listen: Pay close attention to what the other person is saying rather than planning your next move. Show genuine interest and empathy in their experiences.
• Ask Questions: If you don’t comprehend something the other person is saying, ask them a question to show that you are truly engaged and interested in understanding them.
• Practice Observing: Observe nonverbal signs such as posture, facial expressions, and energy levels to infer the other person’s emotions and respond appropriately.
• Share the Truth: Express empathy and understanding by acknowledging and validating the other person’s feelings, even if you disagree with them.
• Recognize Your Triggers: Be aware of your triggers and communicate them to your partner to foster a safe and supportive environment for emotional expression.
• Guided Mindfulness Meditation: Engage in guided meditation sessions to cultivate present moment awareness and non-judgmental acceptance of thoughts and feelings.
• Breathing Exercises: Practice deep breathing exercises to promote relaxation, reduce stress, and increase self-awareness.
• Emotional Journaling: Keep a journal to express and reflect on emotions, feelings, and experiences.
• Values and Beliefs Exploration: Reflect on core values, beliefs, and motivations to gain insight into personal perspectives and behaviours.
• Yoga or Tai Chi: Engage in mindful movement practices to increase body awareness, reduce stress, and enhance self-regulation skills.
• Grounding Exercises: Practice grounding techniques, such as walking barefoot on grass or focusing on senses, to connect with the present moment and increase mindfulness.
• Artistic Expression: Engage in creative activities, such as painting, drawing, or writing, to express and explore emotions, feelings, and experiences.
• Music and Dance: Use music and dance as forms of emotional expression and connection, fostering deeper understanding and empathy towards oneself and others.
• Seek Therapy: Therapy can be instrumental in developing emotional attunement skills and addressing underlying issues and traumas.

Understanding and addressing people pleasing and anxious attachment and practicing attunement are crucial steps towards fostering healthier relationships and personal growth. By cultivating self-awareness, prioritizing self-love, and seeking professional support when needed, individuals can break free from limiting patterns and embrace authentic connections built on mutual respect and understanding. Healing is a journey, and every step towards self-discovery brings us closer to emotional fulfillment and genuine intimacy.

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Have you ever heard the saying, “nice guys finish last?”. Most people who consider themselves “nice” or “people pleasers” put a lot of effort and consideration into the needs and feelings of others, but often, this doesn’t get them the results they want. Ironically, when people develop people-pleasing behaviours and a permanent veneer of niceness, it can make them harder to connect with, and this can limit progress in healthy relationships.

Stop being nice so that you can be kind, and find deeper meaning in your life and relationships.

When we cover ourselves in a thick layer of “niceness”, it’s as though we are walking around wrapped up in a big, sweet, shapeless marshmallow. We might not offend anyone, but we are too insulated from our real selves to connect and get all kinds of important needs met. We may miss opportunities to put our ideas forward at work, resolve relationship problems, and speak up when people take advantage of us. In some cases, being too nice or helpful or checking in on everyone else can even drain the energy of others. Often, they can sense that the people-pleaser is hiding behind a wall and is not all there. Until we are in touch with our authentic feelings and sense of self, both the good and the bad sides, it is more difficult to show up with empathy for others in your life.

Your anger has something important to tell you.

All of my clients who struggle with people-pleasing tend to hide their anger. Some of them are so used to burying this important emotion, that they are not even aware it exists. Anger is a healthy expression of our sense of self. It is your body’s way of letting you know that something isn’t ok, or that a boundary has been crossed. It is always important to feel and acknowledge our anger, but we have some choices about how we use this information.

Finding assertiveness (and not aggression)

Sometimes my clients are worried that if they begin to release their long-buried anger, they will “lose control” or will become too aggressive. It’s quite normal on the road to becoming more assertive for your first efforts to speak up will come off a little more edgy than you might intend. Over time, the edges will soften, as long as you keep your focus on becoming more assertive versus aggressive.

What’s the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness?

Assertiveness is about speaking your truth without fear. Aggressiveness is about speaking your truth without any regard for the other person. Assertiveness is “this is what I think or feel”, while aggressiveness is “I am right, and I do not care what you feel about it”.

Conclusion

If you are a life-long people pleaser, you probably don’t have to worry much about this important difference. Your natural awareness of the needs of others is already built up, and it is going to still be there when you need it. Over time, you will get better and better at voicing the thoughts and feelings you have been protecting others from, only to find that you are moving into stronger connections

The post The Trouble with Nice: How Being Passive Can Ruin a Good Thing and How to Find Your Assertive Edge. appeared first on Expressions Counselling.

Inner child wounds stem from unmet emotional, physical, and spiritual needs in childhood. These needs manifest in our present selves through subconscious expressions.

As a coping mechanism, attachment archetypes develop during childhood to create a sense of safety and fulfill unmet needs. However, these strategies, formed in response to early experiences, may prove ineffective in adulthood, hindering our ability to establish healthy relationships and navigate life’s challenges.

The 7 Inner Child Archetypes:

1. The Caretaker: Derives identity and self-worth from neglecting personal needs, believing love comes from catering to other. In childhood, they may have experienced a lack of attention and affirmation, leading them to believe that self-sacrifice is the path to affection.

2. The Overachiever: Seeks validation through success and achievement, coping with low self-worth by relying on external recognition. In childhood, they may have experienced conditional love, driving them to believe that their value is contingent on constant accomplishments.

3. The Avoidant or The Underachiever: Fears criticism and shame, remains beneath their potential to avoid failure, thinking invisibility is the key to love. In childhood they may have faced harsh judgment, leading them to believe that being unseen is a protective strategy.

4. The Protector: Tries to heal vulnerability by rescuing others, gaining love and self-worth through a position of power. In childhood, they may have experienced a lack of protection, leading them to adopt a role of strength to shield themselves and others.

5. The Life of the Party: Presents a cheerful facade to mask emotional pain, believing that ensuring everyone around them is happy is the only way to feel okay. In childhood, they might have faced challenges in expressing their true emotions, leading them to believe that constant joy is a shield against vulnerability.

6. The People Pleaser: Sacrifices personal needs for others, molded by childhood patterns of self-sacrifice and deep codependency. In childhood, they may have experienced conditional love, fostering a belief that meeting others’ needs is the only way to receive love.

7. The Hero Worshiper: Seeks a person or guru to follow, stemming from a wound caused by a perceived superhuman caretaker in the potential absence of emotionally present parents. In childhood, they might have experienced a lack of safety and autonomy, leading them to seek safety and identity through others.

Meeting Your Inner Child:

1. Accept the presence of your inner child in your adult life, even if you can’t recall much of your childhood.

2. Acknowledge that your inner child is wounded. Avoid downplaying your experiences by recognizing that the child’s perspective differs from your current adult viewpoint.

3. Embrace acceptance of your inner child wound to alleviate shame.

4. Understand that your inner child is not your essence; it is a part of you that requires exploration to understand its communication.

5. Validate and witness your inner child by meditating about them or writing a letter to them.

Summary of all: The goal of inner child work is to liberate the childlike part, fostering wonder and connecting it to the inner wisdom of our authentic selves. By acknowledging and understanding your inner child, you embark on a journey towards healing and self-discovery.

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Why Should You Engage Emotionally

1. Building Trust and Intimacy: Sharing one’s emotions is an intimate act, creating a bond of trust and vulnerability. When you open up to your partner about your feelings, you invite them into your world, and this vulnerability can deepen your connection.
2. Conflict Resolution: Honest and effective expression of emotions plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts. It allows partners to understand each other’s perspectives, paving the way for compromise and resolution.
3. Emotional Support: In times of distress or joy, knowing that your partner is there to listen and empathize is incredibly comforting. Emotional expression enables partners to support each other through ups and downs.
4. Strengthening Communication: Sharing emotions is a form of communication that helps partners understand each other better. This understanding is critical to maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.
   
   

Tips for Managing Emotions in Your Romantic Relationship

1. Active Listening: To express your emotions effectively, being a good listener is important. Give your partner your full attention when they share their feelings. Make eye contact, ask open-ended questions, and provide reassurance to show you care.
2. Use “I” Statements: When expressing your feelings, avoid blame or accusation. Instead, use “I” statements to express your emotions and needs. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always make me feel…”
3. Choose the Right Time and Place: Timing is crucial when discussing sensitive issues. Find a suitable moment when you and your partner are relaxed and can give each other undivided attention.
4. Stay Calm and Respectful: Emotions can run high in romantic relationships, but it’s important to maintain a respectful and calm demeanour when expressing them. Avoid shouting, name-calling, or using hurtful language.
5. Empathize: Try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Empathy can go a long way in making them feel understood and valued.
6. Non-Verbal Communication: Remember that not all communication is verbal. Sometimes, a touch, a hug, or a simple smile can convey emotions more effectively than words.
7. Appreciation and Validation: Acknowledge your partner’s emotions and validate their feelings. This shows that you respect their emotions and care about their well-being.
8. Express Gratitude: Don’t forget to express gratitude for the positive emotions your partner brings into your life. Compliment them, say “I love you” often, and show appreciation for the little things they do.
   
   

The Risks of Emotional Disconnection

Deterioration of Intimacy: Emotional disconnection can lead to a gradual erosion of intimacy between partners. When you or your partner choose to withhold or suppress your emotions, it creates a gap in your emotional connection. Over time, this can result in emotional distance, making it challenging to maintain the closeness which is crucial for a healthy romantic relationship.

Increased Conflict: When emotions are not expressed and addressed, they can fester and lead to unresolved issues. This can escalate into more significant conflicts and arguments in the long run. Emotional disconnection can become a breeding ground for misunderstandings and disagreements, as partners may not fully grasp each other’s feelings and needs.

Loneliness and Isolation: Emotional disconnection can leave one or both partners feeling lonely and isolated, even within the confines of the relationship. This emotional isolation can lead to a sense of being unheard or misunderstood, which can harm one’s mental and emotional well-being.

Lack of Emotional Support: In times of personal crises or stress, a lack of emotional support from a partner can be especially damaging. Emotional disconnection means you may not have the comfort and solace of knowing your partner is there to listen, understand, and offer empathy. This lack of support can make it more difficult to navigate life’s challenges.

Relationship Deterioration: Ultimately, prolonged emotional disconnection can result in the deterioration of the entire relationship. It may lead to partners growing apart, feeling unfulfilled, or contemplating separation or divorce. Emotional disconnection is often cited as a significant contributing factor to the breakdown of many romantic relationships.

Summary

Emotional expression is crucial for trust, conflict resolution, and support in romantic relationships. Practical advice for managing emotions includes active listening, “I” statements, empathy, and non-verbal communication. However, failing to connect emotionally can lead to issues like diminished intimacy, increased conflict, loneliness, a lack of support, and potential relationship deterioration.

The post The Art of Emotion Expression in Romantic Relationships appeared first on Expressions Counselling.

1. Painting: Whether you’re a professional artist or just starting, painting is a beautiful way to express your emotions and reduce anxiety. You don’t need to create a masterpiece; let your brush flow on the canvas and see where it takes you. It’s all about the process, not the result.
2. Journaling: Grab a journal and pour your thoughts and feelings onto the pages. This practice can be incredibly therapeutic. It allows you to release the feelings or emotions that have been suppressed, track your personal growth, and reflect on your life’s journey.
3. Dancing: Make your favourite music and move your body to the rhythm. Dancing is a fantastic way to release tension and boost your mood. You don’t need to be a professional dancer; just let loose and have fun.
4. Do-It-Yourself (DIY) Projects: If you enjoy working with your hands, dive into DIY projects like crafting, woodworking, knitting, or sewing. Creating something with your hands can be fulfilling and a wonderful way to relax.
5. Music: Whether listening to soothing tunes or playing a musical instrument, music can transport you to a stress-free zone. Dive into melodies and let the soothing vibes take over your senses.
6. Photography: Take a leisurely walk with your camera or smartphone and capture the beauty around you. Photography is a wonderful way to connect with the world, be mindful of your surroundings, and appreciate the little things in life.
7. Gardening: You don’t need exceptional skill or a natural talent for gardening to enjoy and succeed. Taking care of plants and nurturing your own green sanctuary can be profoundly grounding and therapeutic. It allows you to reconnect with nature and find peace in your garden.
8. Cooking: Step into the kitchen, prepare a mouth-watering meal, or bake some delightful treats.  Cooking is a sensory experience that can be both therapeutic and rewarding. Plus, you get to enjoy the delightful results of your culinary creativity.
9. Coloring and Zentangle: Engaging with adult coloring books and experimenting with Zentangle patterns can give your mind a relaxing and rejuvenating experience, similar to a miniature spa day for your thoughts and emotions. These meditative activities allow you to relax and get lost in the soothing act of coloring and creating intricate patterns.
10. Yoga and Tai Chi: Combine physical movement, controlled breathing, and mindfulness with yoga or Tai Chi practices. These activities promote relaxation, reduce anxiety, and enhance the harmony between your mind and body.
11. Digital Art: If you are comfortable and proficient in using technology, try digital art or graphic design. It’s a modern twist on traditional creativity and can be incredibly satisfying. You can create digital masterpieces right on your computer or tablet.
12. Collage: Let your creativity release as you assemble collages using various materials and textures. This creative endeavour is all about expressing yourself and trying out different elements to craft something that’s distinctly your own.

Remember, the key to these activities is to have fun, relax, and let your creativity flow. They’re not about being perfect but about finding joy and relaxation. So, choose the ones that resonate with you and begin your journey to beat anxiety with creative magic. 

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Assertiveness is like finding the right balance between being too passive and too aggressive. It’s about speaking up for yourself without being overly submissive or dominating. On one side, you have passivity, where individuals hold back from expressing themselves, often sacrificing their needs to avoid conflicts. On the other side, there’s aggression, where individuals intimidate others’ feelings and perspectives. The aim is to find that sweet spot in the middle – where you can effectively and confidently communicate your thoughts and feelings without undermining or disrespecting others. 

Here are some strategies to help you master assertiveness:

• Assertiveness begins with self-awareness and self-worth. Embrace the fact that your thoughts and feelings are valid. Remember, you’re entitled to your opinions and boundaries, just like anyone else. Believe in yourself, and others will follow. 
• Use “I” statements when expressing yourself to convey your thoughts and feelings without placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me when I’m talking about my day,” you could rephrase it using an “I” statement: “I feel unheard when I share my experiences from the day, and it’s important to me that we can connect through our conversations.” 

• Assertiveness isn’t just about talking; it’s also about listening. When others speak, you should give them your full attention. This shows respect and helps you gather information and respond thoughtfully. Also, how you use your body when you talk is really important. Maintain eye contact while speaking, sit or stand with good posture, and keep your arms relaxed. Doing these things shows that you’re confident. When your body shows confidence along with your strong words, it helps you get your message across clearly and confidently.
• Boundaries are your personal guidelines for acceptable behavior. Practice setting and communicating them respectfully. For instance, “I can’t stay late at work tonight, but I’m available to help tomorrow” sets a clear boundary without rejecting the request completely. 
• Learning to be assertive takes time, just like a journey. Begin by trying it out in simple situations with little to lose. As you get more comfortable, you can try dealing with more challenging situations. Just like getting better at anything, the more you practice being assertive, the better you’ll become at it.
• Receiving criticism can be tricky, but it’s a part of life. Instead of getting defensive, try saying, “Thanks for the feedback!” and give yourself a pause to think about it. If the criticism is valid, use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. 
• Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. For example, “I am worthy of expressing myself and being heard.”, “My thoughts and feelings are valuable, and I have every right to share them.” and “I am becoming more assertive with each day, and it feels empowering.”

Remember that you have the right to express your thoughts and feelings confidently. 

But what if you experience guilt after establishing boundaries?

Here are some steps to manage and cope with guilt that arises after setting boundaries:

• Guilt Feeling Is Natural: Guilt is a familiar feeling that can appear when you set boundaries, especially with people you’re close to. It’s a bit like feeling uneasy when you try something new. But remember, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It just means you’re making changes, which can initially feel slightly strange.
• Validate Your Feelings: Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel guilty sometimes. It’s like giving yourself permission to say, ‘Hey, my feelings are real, and it’s alright to wonder if I’m taking things too seriously or not. I can accept these feelings without being hard on myself.
• Trust Your Judgment: Believe in your ability to decide when a boundary is right for you. Your boundaries aren’t decided by what others think or how they react.  If someone doesn’t take it well, it could actually mean your boundary was important to set in the first place.
•  Confirm the importance of your relationship: When establishing boundaries, emphasize the importance of your relationships. Let people know how much the relationship matters to you, and that you intend to nurture a positive connection.
•  Focus on Intentions: Remind yourself why you’re setting these boundaries. Your intentions are about self-respect, self-preservation, and protecting your mental and emotional well-being. Recognize that you’re not intentionally setting boundaries to hurt others but to ensure your well-being.
• Challenge Extreme Guilt: For some people, guilt pops up in many situations, no matter what they do. Try to push back against this intense guilt by asking yourself if there’s any situation where you can set a boundary without feeling uneasy. Understand that, at times, this guilt may stick around despite your actions.
•  Seek Support: Reach out to close friends, family members, or a therapist and have a chat about your guilt. Sharing what you’re going through with someone you trust can give you helpful advice and emotional comfort.
•  Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this process. Understand that setting boundaries is a sign of self-care and personal growth. You are not responsible for how others react to your boundaries; you’re responsible for taking care of yourself.
•  Evaluate the Boundaries: From time to time, look at the boundaries you’ve established. Are they still benefiting your well-being, or do they require some tweaking? This helps make sure your boundaries continue to match your evolving needs.

Keep in mind that handling the emotions that come with setting boundaries is a natural part of the journey. Over time, as you consistently practice assertiveness and set boundaries that protect your well-being, the feelings of guilt are likely to diminish. In the meantime, use these strategies to constructively cope with and manage the guilt.

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